1
00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:04,338
You know the kind of guy who
does nothing but bad things...

2
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:07,175
And then wonders why
his life sucks?

3
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:11,145
Well, that was me. Every time
somethin' good happened to me,

4
00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:13,281
somethin' bad was always
waitin' around the corner.

5
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,118
Karma.

6
00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:19,220
That's when I realized
i had to change.

7
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:23,424
So I made a list of everything
bad I've ever done,

8
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:26,394
and, one by one, I'm gonna
make up for all my mistakes.

9
00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:28,362
I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

10
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,764
My name is Earl.

11
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,468
The tough thing
about having a list...

12
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:37,138
Of over 200 things
you've done wrong to people...

13
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:40,374
Is choosing which one
you're gonna make up for next.

14
00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:42,576
Should I do number 73...

15
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:45,379
Always took a penny,
never left a penny?

16
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,793
Count that up and see if I've
got any change coming back.

17
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:58,826
[ Earl narrating ]
or should it be number 86...

18
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,395
Stole a car
from a one-legged girl?

19
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,499
You said you loved me!

20
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,435
[ Ricochet ]

21
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,384
[ Earl narrating ] or should I tackle
one of the many things on the list...

22
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,177
That involve my ex-wife, joy?

23
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:22,683
I still can't believe that son of a bitch
won the lottery right after I divorced him.

24
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,685
Half that money should be mine.

25
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:26,720
Look at my bicep when I do this.

26
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,190
See how it pop out
right there on the side?

27
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,259
That's new.

28
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,161
I'm gonna get me that money.

29
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:41,735
- What's this?
- I got you something to help you with your list.

30
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:44,672
It's a quit smoking tape.
Remember number 102...

31
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:47,441
Harmed and possibly killed
people with second-hand smoke.

32
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:51,879
Oh, yeah. Where'd you get it?
It's got jelly on it.

33
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:55,216
I showed Catalina where
the good yard sales are.

34
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:58,219
I got a foot massager for two dollars.
All it needs is a new motor.

35
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,832
[ Earl narrating ] ever since the
first time Catalina cleaned our room,

36
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:06,427
Randy's been making any excuse
to spend time with her.

37
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:10,198
Hey, how much for this tape
that helps you quit smoking?

38
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,933
[ Synthesized voice ]
forty cents.

39
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:16,837
- How about 25?
- Thirty-five.

40
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:19,173
- Thirty?
- thirty-two.

41
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:23,311
Deal. hey, say
"Luke, I am your father."

42
00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:25,813
Luke, I am your father.

43
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:28,249
[ Randy ] so, you gonna quit?

44
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:31,952
Yeah, yeah, I am. I just wanna finish this
pack first. I don't wanna be wasteful.

45
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,588
Number 49 on my list...
I've been wasteful.

46
00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:36,857
So what's next on your list?

47
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:40,461
I don't know. I haven't figured
that out yet. Can I pick one?

48
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,930
Yeah. why not?
I gotta do 'em all anyway.

49
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:45,299
How about... [ vocalizing ] 112...

50
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,901
"Let Donny Jones serve jail
time for a crime I committed?"

51
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:50,904
Oh, man. Donny Jones.

52
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:57,278
[ Earl narrating ] a few years
ago, I robbed a doughnut shop.

53
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,780
To be honest,
i shouldn't have been out,

54
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,483
because I had a pretty bad cold,
and I could've spread it around.

55
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:07,255
[ Sneezes ] uh-oh.

56
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,923
Fortunately for me, the security
camera couldn't see my face,

57
00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:13,861
and I had stolen this shirt
from a friend named Donny Jones.

58
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:16,997
Unfortunately for Donny,
he had a checkered past...

59
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,400
And no alibi
for the night of the robbery.

60
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:23,003
Number four, step forward.

61
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,774
[ Earl narrating ] and most unfortunate
for Donny, he had also caught my cold.

62
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:29,277
That's him. Number four.

63
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:30,978
What?

64
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:36,950
A jury found Donny guilty, and
he served two years in prison.

65
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,555
I'm not doing Donny Jones.

66
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,956
Why not? I just don't want to.

67
00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:45,025
I don't even know
where he lives.

68
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,995
They got big yellow books
to find that stuff out, Earl.

69
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:50,898
I'll quit smoking, all right?
I'll do that one.

70
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:54,468
Look, I quit smoking.
You're scared of Donny Jones.

71
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:57,505
- I'm not scared of Donny Jones.
- Why are you scared of Donny Jones?

72
00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:59,707
I'm not scared of Donny Jones.

73
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,842
[ Earl narrating ]
that was a lie.

74
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:06,580
There aren't a lot of people on this
earth that I'm afraid of, but Donny...

75
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,482
Well...

76
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,489
Oh, it is on.

77
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:18,025
[ Earl narrating ]
Donny is crazy.

78
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:21,662
[ Grunts ]

79
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:25,466
[ Pounding continues ]

80
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,668
Look, I'd love
to take care of Donny,

81
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:30,371
but I can only do
one thing at a time.

82
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:33,841
I'm gonna focus
on quittin' smoking.

83
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,410
[ Earl narrating ] I was gonna
focus on quittin' smoking,

84
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,812
but it turns out
quittin' smoking is stressful.

85
00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:41,449
And when I stressed out, I smoke.
Hey, Earl.

86
00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:44,418
Hey, how's it goin'?

87
00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,854
- We found Donny Jones.
- What? Why?

88
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:49,823
It was Catalina's idea.
She said you needed a push.

89
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:53,961
When someone's scared, they need a friend
to push them to overcome that fear.

90
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:57,064
Yeah, you know, like throwing somebody
in the ocean who's afraid to swim...

91
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,433
Or puttin' a snake
in a young girl's bed.

92
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:02,703
I don't need a push.
I'm not scared, all right?

93
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,905
I'm occupied.
I'm busy quittin' smoking.

94
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:07,741
We're just trying to help.

95
00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:10,077
[ Men chattering, burping ]

96
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,380
That was there when I got here.

97
00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:19,620
Quittin' is hard, Randy. I didn't smoke
for a whole hour, and I started to shake.

98
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:24,124
My system's used to runnin'
on more tar.

99
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,059
[ Sighs ]

100
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:33,133
[ Earl narrating ] I knew cigarettes
could kill me, but so could Donny Jones.

101
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,537
Besides, as far as me livin'
a long life was concerned,

102
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,672
I should have been more worried
about my ex-wife.

103
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,655
Oh, snap.

104
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:58,559
Darnell, run down to the
video hut and rent me a vcr!

105
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,733
[ Woman ] oh, my god!
Aunt Millie's walking!

106
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:09,770
Look! aunt Millie's walking!
It's a miracle!

107
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,772
[ Joy on video ]
next time you steal a camera,

108
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,941
have the common sense
to steal the directions.

109
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,976
I think I got it on. Oh.

110
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:23,651
[ Joy on video ] I love you, Earl,
and I love all this stuff you stole.

111
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:26,720
[ Earl on video ] I love that you love
me and love all this stuff I stole.

112
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,989
I want to document this.

113
00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:36,830
If I ever die, I want this woman
right here to have everything I own.

114
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,666
Everything.

115
00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:42,035
Oh, baby, that's so sweet.

116
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,508
What do you think of that?

117
00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:50,578
Rewind it. I wanna see
that old lady walk again.

118
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,889
[ Earl narrating ] joy knew that
video was the only thing...

119
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,015
Close to a will that I have.

120
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,951
Normally she's not that violent,
but money makes people crazy.

121
00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:00,754
I'll take this.

122
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,856
There's a three-day
waiting period for guns.

123
00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:05,659
Land of the free, my ass.

124
00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:08,629
Fine. what can I walk outta here
with today that'll kill somebody?

125
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:12,500
Anything in aisle four.
Oh, thank you.

126
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,569
[ Earl narrating ] Randy took
Catalina to another yard sale...

127
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:18,071
To look for a motor
for her foot massager,

128
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,908
so I had some time
to focus on quittin' smoking.

129
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:25,245
[ Man on tape ]
i am not a smoker.

130
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,248
I am not a smoker.

131
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:31,251
Smoking is bad.

132
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,987
Smokin' is bad.

133
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:37,124
I don't want to die.

134
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:39,927
I don't wanna die.

135
00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:44,732
Damn it.

136
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:48,268
- You, and you alone, are in control...
- [ Horn honks ]

137
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,238
Of your destiny.

138
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,206
Shoot.

139
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:58,912
Hey, I was just listening
to your tape. Good stuff.

140
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:02,215
We got some krazy straws
at the yard sale.

141
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:05,018
Wanna go get some slush puppies?
Yeah, why not?

142
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:08,055
Nice, sugary drink might
get my mind off cigarettes.

143
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,624
Man, I hope these straws
don't have the flu in them.

144
00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:14,862
[ Burps ] oh, hey, whoa.
Where'd that come from?

145
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,565
I haven't smoked all day.

146
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:34,214
Why are we stoppin'? I think
we got a flat in the back.

147
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,584
Yeah, I heard it too.

148
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:40,754
Damn it. I just got
those tires five years ago.

149
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,756
What are you doin'?

150
00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:45,993
- That's Donny's house.
- What?

151
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,662
It's Donny's house.
Face your fears.

152
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:50,998
[ Horn honking ]

153
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:57,104
This isn't funny.
Open the door, Randy.

154
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,773
It's for your own good, Earl.
This is your snake in the bed.

155
00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,675
I don't want a snake in my bed.

156
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,811
You can't finish your list
if you're scared.

157
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,813
We're doing this
because you're our friend.

158
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:08,315
- Donny!
- stop it! Let me in!

159
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,019
[ Horn honks ]

160
00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:18,125
- [ Horn honks ]
- Randy, open the door.

161
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:22,930
Earl? Earl hickey?

162
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:32,940
Donny Jones! Hey, buddy.

163
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:36,777
[ Laughs ] we should,
uh, catch up sometime.

164
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:39,012
You know, when I don't have to...

165
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:41,682
[ Tires screeching ]

166
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,786
Or now.

167
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:51,635
[ Earl narrating ] have you ever
heard the expression "crazy eyes"?

168
00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:54,194
Well, Donny had 'em.
Earl hickey.

169
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:57,197
Donny Jones. You look good.

170
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,900
You look good. Look real good.

171
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,002
What are those, new pants?

172
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:04,705
No. I had 'em a while.

173
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:08,108
Mmm, they still look new.
Nice crease.

174
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,778
I should, uh... I should
get me a pair of those.

175
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:16,950
Hard to find good pants.
[ Chuckles ]

176
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:21,388
So, your brother and that little Mexican lady
told me you wanted to talk to me about some list.

177
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:25,358
Did they now? All right. Good.

178
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,661
Yeah, they can be very helpful.

179
00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:31,164
[ Sighs ] all right,
here's the deal, Donny.

180
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:37,204
I'm on, uh, kind of a mission.

181
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:41,308
Wow, these are long...
And sharp, huh?

182
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:44,311
They're my mom's.
She likes to knit.

183
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:48,849
Good for you, sweetheart.
Nice to have a hobby.

184
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,421
Anyway, uh, Donny,

185
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:57,891
um, I've recently
discovered Karma,

186
00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:01,394
and I've written a list of all the
bad things I've done in my life,

187
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,897
and I'm trying
to make up for 'em.

188
00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:06,266
I think I know what
you're gettin' at, Earl.

189
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,738
You do? Yep.

190
00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:14,908
You had an awakening. Same thing
happened to me in the joint...

191
00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:17,144
When I found Jesus.

192
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,882
- Wow.
- nice, huh?

193
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:25,719
I also got Moses partin' the red sea
on my bottom. You wanna see that?

194
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:29,156
- No, no. M-maybe later.
- Okay.

195
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:36,029
So, anyway, about a month
into my sentence,

196
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:40,167
I started readin' the Bible, and
it really kept me out of trouble.

197
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,269
[ Alarms blaring ]
[ Men shouting ]

198
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:45,906
Hey, hey, we're gonna gang-stomp the
guard in the cafeteria. You in?

199
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:49,076
Sorry. I'm busy stompin'
the devil out of my heart.

200
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,945
But thanks for thinking of me.

201
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:55,515
Ever since I found the lord,
i really turned my life around.

202
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:58,051
Prison turned out to be
a blessing in disguise.

203
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:02,956
So... you're not mad that you
were mistakenly incarcerated...

204
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:07,194
For a crime some...
Unknown person committed?

205
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:10,097
I didn't Rob that store, Earl,
but we both know I was a sinner.

206
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:14,401
Besides, as the good book says,

207
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:17,204
forgiveness is the way
to salvation.

208
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,206
[ Grunts ] [ cushion deflating ]

209
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,776
Wow. that's a big Bible.

210
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,278
It's my mom's. Large print.

211
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:28,381
- Ah.
- she refuses to wear her readin' glasses.

212
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:31,351
[ Whispering ] she thinks
they make her look old.

213
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:37,925
"Do not drink wine when..."

214
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:43,496
"Thou goest into the taber..."

215
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,869
"Nacle of the lord."

216
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:55,242
So, you're all churched up
then, huh? Good for you.

217
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,211
Givin' up all that
hurtin' people.

218
00:12:58,245 --> 00:13:01,815
I turn the other cheek now. And you got
a tattoo of the red sea to prove it.

219
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:04,184
- Wanna see it now?
- Ooh, not...

220
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,186
I'm still gonna pass on that.

221
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,856
But I do need
to tell you something.

222
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:13,260
Uh, something I did to you
that's on my list.

223
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,997
Something that turned out to be
good for you but, all the same,

224
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,399
something that was wrong.

225
00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:25,438
I was the one that, uh,
robbed that doughnut store.

226
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:30,944
- What?
- it was me, Donny.

227
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:34,948
I was wearing a... a shirt
that I stole from you.

228
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,617
I... I'm the reason
you went to prison.

229
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,887
[ Hits table ]

230
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:48,295
Then found the lord.

231
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,563
Went to prison
and found the lord.

232
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:55,903
[ Earl narrating ] even though Donny
had changed, I was still scared,

233
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:58,371
'cause no matter
who he was now...

234
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:01,474
[ Laughing ] I got your gun.

235
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:04,011
I got your gun, dummy.
I got your gun.

236
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:06,246
What are you gonna do?
[ Laughing continues ]

237
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,048
[ Earl narrating ]
Donny used to be crazy.

238
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,857
[ Whispering ]
what would Jesus do?

239
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,470
[ Whispering ]
what would you do?

240
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,074
Okay.

241
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:42,382
- I forgive you.
- Really?

242
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:46,987
Like I said before, Earl,
prison changed my life.

243
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:50,323
I mean, even if you hadn't
have done what you did,

244
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,960
I probably would've
ended up there anyway.

245
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:56,096
Cross me off your list.

246
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:59,299
All right. Thank you.

247
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:02,502
I will. Thanks, Donny.

248
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:06,506
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go
help a prayer buddy in the garage.

249
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:10,643
When he showed up, I thought he was speaking
in tongues, but he's just back on the stuff.

250
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:13,280
Hey, don't worry.
I'll let myself out.

251
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,382
[ Earl narrating ]
and there it was...

252
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,684
Thanks to Randy
and Catalina's push,

253
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:20,620
I faced my fears,
and everything turned out fine.

254
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,197
Ow! what the hell?

255
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,632
You put my baby in prison
for two years!

256
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,601
Take it easy! He forgave me!

257
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:37,270
Well, maybe he forgave you,
but I don't!

258
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:44,377
[ Screams ] help! Help!

259
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:49,149
You took my baby away! I'll never get those
years back! I should be on your stupid list!

260
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:53,620
[ Screams ] okay, okay, okay.
Okay. I'll put you on.

261
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:59,292
Took Donny away from his mother
for two years.

262
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:03,396
All right. You're on it. Now what
do I have to do to get you off it?

263
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:06,499
- Get me the two years back.
- You know I can't do that.

264
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:08,735
Aw, I guess you're screwed.

265
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:12,172
[ Grunts, groans ]

266
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:46,039
[ Muffled shouting ]

267
00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:49,142
[ Earl narrating ] I know this looks
bad, but she refused to come on her own.

268
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,344
Trust me. I have a plan.
Hi, Earl.

269
00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,346
Hey, crab man. [ Shouting ]

270
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:57,184
- Joy wanted me to bring you these poison cookies.
- Huh?

271
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,752
[ Earl narrating ] Darnell filled
me in on the video will...

272
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:02,089
And joy's intent to kill me.

273
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:08,195
I wasn't gonna get involved, but
now she got me deliverin' poison,

274
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,697
it just don't seem right.

275
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:14,734
- Thanks, crab man.
- No problem, Earl.

276
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:17,837
[ Muffled shouting ]

277
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,307
Let me out of here right now!

278
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:23,176
You let me out of here!

279
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:26,279
Earl, how come you're taping
Donny's mom to a chair?

280
00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:29,082
- Ooh, cookies.
- Randy, those are poisoned.

281
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:31,684
Oh, okay.

282
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:35,288
I'm taping her to the chair because she's
gonna quit smoking before it kills her.

283
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:38,658
- Now, stop kicking.
- Something about this feels wrong.

284
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:41,661
No, it's fine.
I'm giving her a push,

285
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:44,431
just like you guys
gave me a push.

286
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:47,467
[ Horn honking ] I have to do this.
You're on my list now.

287
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,769
I took your son
away from you for two years,

288
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:52,439
and the only way I can
give you back that time...

289
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,142
Is to give you
two more years on this earth.

290
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:58,811
Randy... those are poison!

291
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:04,717
- How poison?
- Put it down!

292
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,520
Look, I know
it's not gonna be easy,

293
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,622
but you're not
gonna do it alone.

294
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,292
I'm gonna quit with you.

295
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,496
I know you're scared
to give up the smokes.

296
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:19,832
So am I. We're gonna
get through this together.

297
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:22,735
This is the sweetest, most justified
kidnapping I've ever seen.

298
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,305
- How many have you seen?
- Five or so.

299
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,776
I'm gonna take the gag
out of your mouth now, okay?

300
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,778
So please don't holler.
[ Mutters ]

301
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,880
Hel... [ coughing ]

302
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,915
Hel... [ coughing ]

303
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:39,319
[ Coughing continues ]

304
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:41,854
Help!

305
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,627
Hel...

306
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:50,730
[ Gasping ]

307
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,535
[ Earl narrating ]
turns out I didn't need the gag.

308
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:58,471
Forty years of smoking had taken
away her ability to scream.

309
00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:01,441
All right, fine. I'll quit.

310
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,476
That's my girl.

311
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:09,682
[ Earl narrating ] quittin'
smoking is a lot like prison.

312
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:12,885
If you can get through the first three
days, you've got a fighting chance.

313
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,761
First we tried the tapes.

314
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:24,431
[ Man on tape ]
i don't want to die.

315
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:27,500
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.

316
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:31,504
[ Earl narrating ]
then we tried the patches.

317
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:40,347
Someone told us to try
carrot sticks as a substitute,

318
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,382
but we couldn't get
the damn things to light.

319
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:56,896
After some laughter, some tears
and a lot of burnt carrots,

320
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,931
together we battled
our addiction, and we won.

321
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,847
And even though we started out
as strangers, by the end,

322
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,917
I felt like I knew Donny's mom
as well as I knew my own.

323
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:22,422
Thank you, Earl. Thank you...
Donny's mom.

324
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:33,300
[ Earl narrating ] it was
hard, but it was worth it.

325
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,702
We gave each other life.

326
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:39,372
She's gonna get those extra years
with her son that she wanted,

327
00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,841
and I just might get
a few extra years myself.

328
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:44,577
It's hard to believe we got all
that in just three little days.

329
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:52,619
Unfortunately, there are other things
a person can get in three days.

330
00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:59,526
I wrote up a new will, joy. You can kill
me, but there ain't no money in it.

331
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:01,461
[ Sighs ]